There are many things I could say to gain sympathy from you, the reader, in my regard, however that is not the point of this post. I simply wish to convey to you my thoughts on my current mind set. So to continue ...
When people are in your life for a substantial amount of time, and then suddenly aren't anymore, a great reformatting is undertaken of our entire structure of life. We go through various stages to deal with the loss. Whether it be in death or a break up, we progress in each of these stages and begin to slowly adapt our lives to the change in small steps. Gradually, we become aware that person is no longer there, overcome the first stage of denial, and then drone onward into anger. It is in this time frame that some people lose their nerve, have emotional or even psychotic breakdowns and are sometimes left stranded indefinitely with no hope of moving on into further stages of acceptance. From this state we come into bargaining for our lost one to come back to us, either verbally, through prayer, or in a quiet debate with our conscience. The fourth stage: depression (the stage in which I currently reside) is by far the most indefinite of the five because unlike all others, it feeds on itself quite aggressively. I'm currently depressed over the loss of someone dear to me and as such am even more depressed over being depressed.
(I took a long pause here and wrote several paragraphs that I decided to delete)
I need to be honest with myself.
I feel betrayed.
I feel lied to and cast aside.
I am burning with rage at the moment thinking about all that has happened, and yet... I am unable to act. There is a force holding me down, telling me to rise above it all, and yet, my inability chokes me. I am struggling to understand, and consequently am failing to live.
As I am quite sure this stage of deep regret will pass I can only focus on the days before me. Counting down the minutes until I am both out of school and 21... May 22, mark your calenders : )
So where to now?
To my drawing board?
To my canvas?
To my pen and paper?
Revelations are what I'm in need of. I need to see the bigger picture -- to put this life into perspective. After all we are all just floating on a watery rock, traveling endlessly around a massive ball of fire. How much does one man's coping really matter in the grand scheme of things? My religious side tells me that it matters a lot, but my human side tells me there are people starving in my very town and my worries are minute. Regardless... I would still like this feeling to end. End and carry me into a state of acceptance.