Thursday, April 12, 2007

Finding the words

There are many things I could say to gain sympathy from you, the reader, in my regard, however that is not the point of this post. I simply wish to convey to you my thoughts on my current mind set. So to continue ...
When people are in your life for a substantial amount of time, and then suddenly aren't anymore, a great reformatting is undertaken of our entire structure of life. We go through various stages to deal with the loss. Whether it be in death or a break up, we progress in each of these stages and begin to slowly adapt our lives to the change in small steps. Gradually, we become aware that person is no longer there, overcome the first stage of denial, and then drone onward into anger. It is in this time frame that some people lose their nerve, have emotional or even psychotic breakdowns and are sometimes left stranded indefinitely with no hope of moving on into further stages of acceptance. From this state we come into bargaining for our lost one to come back to us, either verbally, through prayer, or in a quiet debate with our conscience. The fourth stage: depression (the stage in which I currently reside) is by far the most indefinite of the five because unlike all others, it feeds on itself quite aggressively. I'm currently depressed over the loss of someone dear to me and as such am even more depressed over being depressed.

(I took a long pause here and wrote several paragraphs that I decided to delete)

I need to be honest with myself.
I feel betrayed.
I feel lied to and cast aside.
I am burning with rage at the moment thinking about all that has happened, and yet... I am unable to act. There is a force holding me down, telling me to rise above it all, and yet, my inability chokes me. I am struggling to understand, and consequently am failing to live.
As I am quite sure this stage of deep regret will pass I can only focus on the days before me. Counting down the minutes until I am both out of school and 21... May 22, mark your calenders : )

So where to now?
To my drawing board?
To my canvas?
To my pen and paper?

Revelations are what I'm in need of. I need to see the bigger picture -- to put this life into perspective. After all we are all just floating on a watery rock, traveling endlessly around a massive ball of fire. How much does one man's coping really matter in the grand scheme of things? My religious side tells me that it matters a lot, but my human side tells me there are people starving in my very town and my worries are minute. Regardless... I would still like this feeling to end. End and carry me into a state of acceptance.


Ester said...

I know how you feel about depression feeding into more depression. It's like that with any emotion, really, because it's like energy that we throw into a pattern, and the first step creates inertia, making the second step easier than the first, etc. Personally, I know what you mean, because I have negative streaks, thinking that everything is wrong and sucks. But I have to consciously take a different step to see positivity (which feels impossible!) But in the same way, that first step will lead to an easier next one. Maybe that's a way for you to break depression, is to take the conscious first few steps of thinking positively, and feeling it march inside of you to a beat that doesn't quit.

I'm sorry for your feeling of loss. And although your intense emotions are totally unique to you and your experience, there is common ground in how you feel, as people through time and space have also felt intense passionate pain. Just keep it in the back of your mind that you can master and guide the direction of your energy, and when you feel ready, push it toward what you want to be feeling.

Whitchip said...

I'm not going to write some long paragraph because, I'm not that smart and I can't use big words, but I will tell you this...

God loves you no matter how you feel. Your friends love you no matter how you feel. Your parents love you no matter how you feel. And I care a great deal for you no matter how you feel.

r_sail said...

Well, if this is about a girl... you WILL get over it. You will. Just give it some time.

Regardless of who this is about, you have to learn to let things go. If it's worth having, it's worth losing. Simple. Doesn't make it easier right now, but that's the truth.

The one thing I can suggest, is doing something... something that validates who you are. Go and create. Go and feel good about that creation. Let it show you that you are a worthwhile person and if someone else doesn't see that in you, then it's their loss, and not yours.

EntropicDesign said...

Thank you all for kind and meaningful words.

I want to make it clear that I have felt like this before. In fact then it was 100x's worse and I have since then learned a lot about myself and relationships.

There is something about this one though.
Something about how things were in the past couple months we were together. I can't shake this feeling that I was being cheated on, and lied to constantly. Frankly, the person this is in regards to is such a good liar, and sticks to their guns so well, that I would never ever be able to know if they were ever telling the truth if I confronted them.

I think what really hurts is that this relationship was unique in a lot of ways, and because of that, these feelings I'm presently engaged in are quite unique as well.

But Ester is right... countless before me have felt the same pains before, and countless more have lived to tell about it.

There is so much to learn, and 21 years isn't enough to say I've experienced an ounce of it.

Whitchip said...

I know what you mean about the lies.

And it sucks when you love someone so much but are afraid to believe anything they say.

r_sail said...

Been there, man. All you can do is keep on keepin' on. Sounds corny, I know.

And, remember, that if someone lied to you and cheated on you than that isn't really someone you want to be with anyway. So, be glad you didn't waste more time on them. Believing them, and believing in them. You're better off.